Midnight Mercato at The Fort Part 1: Where We Bash the Burgers

I love burgers.  It’s beef, bread, and cheese – what’s not to love?  Nothing spells home and comfort better than a good old-fashioned burger.  In fact, I always order a burger when given the choice.  I’m in Canada, I order a burger.  I’m in Hong Kong, I order a burger.  Wherever in the world I’m at, I have had a burger.  ”How is the burger there?”  ”The burger any good?”  These phrases are part of my everyday dining vernacular.  Hell, I’d order a burger in a ramen shop if I could.

Given all of that, I went to visit Midnight Mercato at the Fort for some late night burger bingeing.  The place was hot and stuffy, and could definitely use some help in the way of ventilation.  I’d like to eat the hot, sweaty pig, please, not be it.  The first burger shop we spotted was Johnny Steams.

Johnny Steams claims to serve steamed burgers.  The working premise is that steaming burgers is healthier, doing away with all the unhealthy fat that eventually shuts your arteries down.  I was extremely skeptical – I had steamed beef before, and have since decided that steaming is for babies and decrepit old men, the toothless demographic.  Nevertheless, being the adventurous diner that I am, I gave it a go.

I had JM’s Burger, the most basic one they served.  Two buns, some gloppy steamed beef patty, and some mozzarella cheese.  It looked terrible, and it tasted even worse.  I took one bite and knew that was the only one I would be taking.  At least McDonald’s has the decency to dress up the crap they sell – this baby didn’t even try.  I paid P100 for the utter displeasure of tasting that garbage ; as far as I’m concerned, JM can have his burger back.  Better yet, he should stick it up his… steamer.

 

The next burger was Big Bob’s Charcoal Grilled Burger, which sounded promising.  In my head, rednecks know how to BBQ things, so I was optimistic that this one would be better.  After all, it couldn’t be any worse.

I’m sure by now you have figured out that Bob’s burgers are charcoal grilled.  This was fantastic news because (1) everything grilled always tastes better, and (2) it wasn’t steamed.  We made our way through the sweaty crowd and the smoky haze, ordered a 1/3 lb burger with fresh veggies, and eagerly waited.  And waited some more.  After almost 30 minutes, our eagerness and anticipation had been replaced by annoyance and ridiculously ludicrous expectations that were frankly not met.

The burger was pathetic.  Not as bad as Johnny Steams, not even close, but it was in the same sorry universe.  If it cost P30 and came within 5 minutes, I wouldn’t be complaining, but at P150 and a waiting time of 30 minutes, fuck it.  The meat was mealy, the buns were oily, and they charred that sucker beyond recognition while somehow managing to keep the insides cold.

The burgers disappointed that night to an epic level.  How do you mess up burgers that badly?  The formula is in the very fabric of existence.  Red meat on God’s green Earth – it’s a beef patty and a piece of lettuce, for crying out loud.  How difficult can it be?  I swear, one day, Food Porn Junkies is going to come up with a burger stand just to show all these people how it’s done.

This entry is not going to make me any more friends, is it?